


i don't want to lose you (to yourself)

by Alexgalaxies



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Interfering TARDIS, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: s12e07 Can You Hear Me?, References to Depression, References to Suicidal Tendencies, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel, could be read as thasmin, not specfically thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23763172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexgalaxies/pseuds/Alexgalaxies
Summary: Yaz confronts the Doctor about how she has been acting and feeling lately. The Doctor decides she's done with all the questioning she's received. But with some help from bad timing, she's forced to face a hard truth.Will she finally open up or will Yaz be the one forced to face the consequences?
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41





	i don't want to lose you (to yourself)

**Author's Note:**

> TW// There is a failed suicide attempt. Not very graphic. Read at your own risk!
> 
> Keep yourself safe. You are loved <3
> 
> There IS a happy ending. I promise!

The Doctor had been feeling off lately. The TARDIS wasn’t exactly subtle about reflecting the Doctor’s emotions. The Doctor herself wasn’t good at hiding it either. Everyone aboard the TARDIS knew it. Sometimes they could tell she had spent either longer away from them or no time at all when she came to pick them up.

The Fam asked, and asked, or mentioned how the Doctor was feeling and acting. The Doctor just shrugged it off, and then they went to do something else. Instant distraction. Eventually, they just got tired of saying it, or tired of asking and getting absolutely nothing out of the Doctor, but not Yaz, this felt very deeply personal and it terrified her to no end. She didn’t want to lose the Doctor more than she felt she had already.

Yaz stared at the gloomy lights of the TARDIS. It has been moody for so long at this point, she was tired of it, she decided enough was enough. So, Yaz started off very bluntly. “Doctor I know there’s something going on with you,” She walked around the console to the Doctor.

The Doctor briefly glanced up and also walked around the console, away from Yaz, pretending to be looking for something on it. “What? Me? No,” She shook her head still walking away from the woman following her.

Yaz stopped in her tracks. “Doctor I can tell,”

The Doctor was too focused on the console to notice Yaz’s abrupt stop and she bumped right into the brunette. Startled, she finally met Yaz’s gaze. “There’s stuff going on with all of us, Yasmin,” she said with a stern tone. She attempted to shrug off any concern about her.

Whoa, using her whole first name. She had to be upset, the only times she used that was when she was feeling strong emotions. It actually made Yaz wince. It was the same tone her parents took with her, or Sonya occasionally but more often than not Sonya apologized immediately afterward. She visibly shrank into herself.

The Doctor absolutely noticed the change in Yaz’s demeanor but didn’t say anything about it, she didn’t know what to say, she wanted Yaz to stop and for her to go away. She quickly turned away from Yaz to a screen on the console.

“You can’t just do that, Doctor,” She grabbed the blonde’s coat. “Please, stop shutting us out, it isn’t fair,”

The Doctor turned to her, a flash of anger evident. “You know what isn’t fair? _This_ , being confronted on my own ship, being questioned by my own friends, them ignoring how I feel and what I want just because of how they feel and what they want,” She spat with venom in her voice. “You lot see what you want, you care when you want to, when it’s convenient for you,” Her eyes were serious, they had never been this serious or this angry with Yaz before, it was completely unsettling. “I have to care, ALL the time, so when I want to sulk all in my lonesome because it’s the only time I get to process things you couldn’t even begin to understand,” There was fury and pain behind her words. She paused. “Then I will, understand?” The Doctor almost believed Yaz might just drop it once and for all.

Yaz shook her head at the statement. A newfound sadness in her eyes. “You don’t really want to be alone,” Yaz released the coat.

The Doctor’s jaw clenched. “Yes I do, now go away,” She had had enough of it and she had a feeling Yaz wouldn’t let up any time soon. “No, wait,” The Doctor had a better idea. She spun around and hit a few buttons and levers then pulled the main one. It sent them spinning, flying off, they were traveling somewhere. Then, they landed. “Now, get out,” She pointed at the door.

Yaz tilted her eyebrows inward. “What? You’re gonna drop me back at home because you’re angry?” She felt that the Doctor was acting childish.

“Yes, now. Get. Off. My. Ship,” She commanded.

Yaz looked at the readings to see when the Doctor had decided to leave her. “Doctor, I can’t do that,” Her eyes were wide.

The Doctor clenched her jaw. “And why not?” It felt like Yaz was just being disobedient and frankly, it was becoming really annoying.

Yaz’s tone got serious, almost panicked even. “This isn’t the right time,”

The Doctor sighed. She rushed around the console to see the time and date. She scoffed at Yaz. “What do you mean this isn’t the right-” She was in the right place, just the wrong time. She was way off, like way, way off. She rushed over to the doors to look outside, she didn’t trust the readings. Or maybe she just didn’t trust the TARDIS right now. A woman was outside the box. “Oi! What are you doing outside my box?” Her tone was still just as cross as before. Then she recognized who it was.

It was Yasmin Khan. Her hand was raised as if to knock on the door. “I, uh-“ She stammered. Then the Doctor noticed it. She saw Yaz’s puffy red cheeks with irritated eyes. She had been crying. She looked so defeated, the Doctor has never seen Yaz like this and Yaz had never wanted her to see her like this.

The Doctor’s hearts felt sorry for the woman in front of her. She immediately regretted taking this tone with Yaz, and for doing it to her Yaz. Present Yasmin was standing hidden behind the pillar in the center of the console. She barely caught sight of the woman but the date was enough for her to know exactly who it was.

The other Yaz let her hand fall to her side. “N-nothing,” She turned around and rushed around the blue box.

The Doctor made a rash decision. She quickly followed after the brunette, leaving her Yaz in the TARDIS. She shut the doors behind her. When she caught up she spoke. “Where are you off too?” It was a much softer tone than the one she had just taken with Yaz.

Yaz wiped her nose as she sniffled. “I’m just going,” She put on a tougher tone of voice.

The Doctor made it obvious that she was looking at her up and down, genuinely paying attention. She squinted. “With all your stuff?” She tilted her head questioningly. The Doctor reached for the headphones on her neck.

Yaz flinched out of her each. “Why are you even talking to me?” Yaz snapped. “You seemed pretty pissed off, and I didn’t help you any,” Her voice got small. “I just irritated you… like I irritate everyone else…” She trailed off.

The Doctor followed Yaz’s determined footsteps, even upping her pace as Yaz did. “You looked upset,” She answered simply.

Yaz put on a mock voice of anger. She shifted her backpack on her shoulders, tightening the straps. “Well, I’m not, so leave me alone,” She kept her eyes forward, not looking at the blonde.

The Doctor had bad vibes from what was happening before her. Yaz had never mentioned anything like this, maybe she was supposed to forget it. Or maybe Yaz didn’t want the Doctor to know something like this about her… “I don’t think I should,” Nevertheless she felt like Yaz needed someone right now.

Yaz finally looked over at the blonde who was walking beside her like it was nothing. Like absolutely nothing was wrong. “Why not?” She stopped in her tracks.

The Doctor shrugged at her. “I don’t believe you,” Her mouth presented a half-smile, that was obviously fake. 

Yaz got annoyed. She started walking again, a more brisk pace. “It doesn’t matter whether you believe me or not, now stop following me,” She said sternly.

The Doctor shook her head. “I can’t,” She matched Yaz’s pace. “Doctor’s orders,” She looked over at Yaz who just shook her head.

The answer confused Yaz but she ignored it, figuring that the woman was just strange.

They ended up walking for a _very_ long time. Yaz had given up on telling this woman to go away, she couldn’t make her stop, only hope she gave up on her own. Much to her dismay, she didn’t, the woman kept up with her. Yaz considered putting her headphones on and listening to music as loud as she could stand it, but a blasting sound in her ears wouldn’t make _this_ problem go away. She couldn’t make her unwanted companion disappear, when the music was over, she would still be there.

After quite a few miles along the side of a highway, the Doctor finally spoke again. She had allowed herself the time for both of them to think about things. She remembered how humans normally did the cheering up. “Maybe if you talk about it, it’ll help or I can help,” She offered. That was how things normally went anyway, she was presented with a problem and she had to come up with a solution or be asked to take action.

Yaz let out a sigh of disbelief. A slight laugh. “As if you’d understand,” _How could anyone understand?_ She thought to herself. “There’s nothing you could do to help me,”

The Doctor skipped over that statement, if she only knew how much the Doctor understood. “Try me,” She waited for another response. She slackened her shoulders. “At least tell me what’s wrong,” She pleaded with the young woman.

Yaz scoffed at her. “I don’t owe you anything,” She stopped again. She made a face at the blonde. “What is your problem anyway? You shout at someone, notice you’ve affected them, _then_ feel bad? Finally, consider how they’re feeling and you suddenly care about others?” She threw her backpack off in frustration. Then set her coat down over the top of it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start off like that-”

Yaz cut her off. “No, you don’t get to be sorry, because sorry means it’s already too late,” Yaz’s tears finally fell down her face. “You’ve done something that you can’t take back, you’ve already affected someone,”

The Doctor moved to wipe them, Yaz smacked the hand away from her. 

“You don’t get to do that, you don’t really care,” She looked down the road, something was coming. They hadn’t seen anything on that road for at least half an hour. It was a long way out for someone to travel. A backroad not many people used, some didn’t even know about it, but when they did they had a tendency to speed. “It’s too late to care,” 

The Doctor noticed her glance down the road. “Don’t do anything stupid,” She raised her hands like she was conceding to something.

“That’s not your decision,” Yaz took a couple of backward steps toward the road. “You’re the one who decided to come along,” Her jaw trembled. “This was always going to be the outcome,”

The Doctor thought quickly. She reached for Yaz who stepped back again. “Why were you going to knock on my box?” her voice was full of fear. She wanted to keep her talking, to keep her distracted just long enough...

It almost made Yaz feel like she cared, or maybe she just didn’t want to see someone die… Who would honestly? That was it, all it was. “Who cares?” This woman followed _her_ , this is on her if she watches this happen.

“Me, now please,” She was begging, her eyes flickered to the vehicle approaching.

She blinked a tear from her eyes. “I thought that maybe,” She paused. She turned her head away. The car was getting really close, it was now or never. She closed her eyes. She took the final step.

The Doctor surged forward. “Yaz, no!” The Doctor shouted.

Yaz felt herself being yanked from the road and the oncoming car.

The Doctor tugged her backward and into a hug. Yaz’s knees buckled from under her. Her grip tightened on the brunette. The Doctor sank to the ground on her knees with Yaz still in her arms. 

Yaz began to sob. Her voice came out broken. “Why did you stop me?” 

She stroked Yaz’s hair with trembling hands, an attempt to help her calm down. “Because you wanted to be stopped,” Her hearts pounded in her chest. She squeezed Yaz tightly. She was already regretting what she was about to do, but she had been gone for such a long time. She had to leave Yaz. The Doctor had left her Yaz for long enough, she was bound to get curious, couldn’t have two Yaz’s wandering around.

Yaz shook her head. _No, I didn’t…_ Her eyes squeezed shut. Her mind was flooding with all sorts of emotions and thoughts, her mind was going too fast. She couldn’t stop crying. Yaz shook from the sheer weight of her thoughts.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, I promise,” The Doctor pulled back looking Yaz in the eyes one final time. She stroked the side of her face.

Yaz’s mind jumped to a weird place. “How did you know my name?” She squinted up at the woman holding her.

“Shh, you won’t need to worry about that,” The Doctor brushed the hair from her face. Then she pressed two fingers at her temple. She sifted through Yaz’s memories.

Yaz flinched as if someone had just pinched her. It felt a little jarring to her at first. The answer to the Doctor’s question dawned on her. “That’s why I stopped at the box… I was looking to call for a Doctor…” Then she was dreaming.

The Doctor was removing herself from Yaz’s memories. Sure it would take a toll on her but the most impact it would have is that she would be asleep for a couple of hours at most. The Doctor carefully moved the woman over to be leaning on her rucksack. The Doctor pressed a soft kiss to Yaz’s forehead. “Yasmin Khan, you’re going to be okay, I promise,” She stood up, pulled her sonic out of her pocket, and scanned the surrounding area. There was no one for miles and miles. No one would be coming and able to harm Yaz. It would be safe enough to leave her.

That’s what the Doctor forced herself to do, no doubt someone would show up soon. It might take a while, but Yasmin Khan would be safe. She made an effort to get back to the TARDIS, although she couldn’t help but look back at a sleeping Yaz wishing she could do more for her. It would change too much, technically she shouldn’t even be here, she shouldn’t have intervened at all. Maybe it was for the better, maybe she had staved off something worse from happening, maybe everything would be okay anyway.

On her way back she sonic-ed a payphone and called the police. She left an anonymous tip about a girl who ran away and was now sitting at the side of a road. Apparently she had been reported missing, and a danger to herself.

//

When she finally arrived back at the TARDIS, the Doctor felt a wave of relief when she saw Yaz still in the TARDIS. She ran to Yaz and hugged her tightly. Her Yaz was still here. “I’m so sorry Yaz,”

“Not that I’m averse to a hug I just need to make sure,” Yaz returned the hug a bit hesitantly. She was tenser than when she usually hugged the Doctor. “I’m not going to disappear, am I?”

“No, of course not,” The Doctor pulled away and quickly flipped a few switches and pressed a few buttons then the main lever. They were off traveling somewhere again, anywhere but where they were. The Doctor was silently staring at the panel for a few moments when they finally landed.

“Doctor?” Yaz walked over to her.

The Doctor looked up. “Hmm?” There was a sad look in her eyes.

“Come here,” Yaz pulled the Doctor into a proper hug. One the Doctor was glad to receive. 

She held Yaz with her hands clasped together. The Doctor mumbled into brown locks. “I’m so sorry,”

Yaz pulled back looking at the Doctor’s expression. She gauged the Doctor’s emotions and general demeanor before deciding to ask “Are you willing to listen now?” Yaz leaned on the console looking at the Doctor. She took a step backward, letting go of the Doctor. The blonde nodded. “I know something’s going on with you,” She noticed the Doctor wasn’t looking at her. She shook her head. “Because I’ve been to a dark place, I’m not talking about another dimension or anything,” She paused. “I wasn’t going to be here anymore Doctor, _that_ day was the day I decided to be done with it all,” Her voice caught in her throat. “A few years ago I ran away, but luckily a woman saved me, Sonya called for help, otherwise I don’t think I’d be here anymore,”

As Yaz revealed what had happened, the Doctor felt briefly worried that she accidentally left herself in the memories until Yaz described it in more detail. Yaz remembered walking for a long time, and some of the conversation between them was there in the form of Yaz’s train of thoughts at the time. She revealed everything after that too, what Yaz was describing was what had happened after the Doctor had left. A policewoman had found her and convinced her to go back home.

Yaz moved on from _that_ day. “I know what it’s like, I know how it starts and develops, and I would be a shite friend if I just ignored that _that_ is what I see in you,” She felt tears stinging her eyes. “I don’t want to lose you,” The tears began to spill over. “I don’t want you to get as bad as I did,”

“Yaz, I’m sorry,” She looked up, this was the first time she properly looked at Yaz, no anger, no annoyance, only regret. She quickly moved to wipe Yaz’s tears now that she was actually allowed to. Her hand lingered on Yaz’s cheek briefly before she dropped it. _‘Sorry’ means it’s too late._ The words rang in her head. The Doctor froze, her mind lingering on the sight of Yaz, so broken, and close to…

“Doctor, it doesn’t have to be me,” Yaz swallowed. “Just talk to someone, I can help you find someone to talk to or anything, I can be there with you,” Yaz looked down at the Doctor’s hand. “I just want _you_ back is all,” She looked up into hazel eyes.

The Doctor shook her head. Yaz was right. She made a decision. “I’m ready to talk if you’ll have me,” She gripped the sleeve of her coat, playing with it nervously.

Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s nervous hand and stroked it with her thumb. “Of course, it’s all I wanted,” She paused, clearly wanting to say more. The Doctor looked to her expectantly. “Can I know what happened back there? I don’t remember you being there,” She tilted her head.

The Doctor sighed nervously. “I think it’s best we not dredge up the past,” She felt a shiver down her spine, something in her wanted to show Yaz but she knew it was best not to. There was no point in showing something like that to Yaz, especially if she had moved on from it. It might throw her over the edge again, she already knew she was close once, she didn’t need to know just how close.

Yaz nodded. Then Yaz squeezed the Doctor’s hand that was still in hers. She pulled the Doctor away from the console. They walked down some corridors to find a place to sit and properly talk. The Doctor let herself be led. 

They ended up in the TARDIS kitchen. Yaz made the Doctor sit down while she put the kettle on for tea. She hoped it would ease the Doctor’s nerves and allow her to open up a bit easier. When it was done she fixed two cups of tea, she had made an effort to learn how the Doctor likes her tea, she had asked her more than once how she likes it. Secretly she remembered it from the first time they had tea at her apartment.

Once the Doctor had her cup in hand she took a slow sip from it. It made her smile. “Perfect, thank you, Yaz,”

Yaz returned the warm smile. “Anytime,”

The Doctor nodded. “Shouldn’t say that, might just take you up on it,” She gave Yaz a wide-eyed looking taking another sip.

“Doctor,” Yaz said sternly “No, stalling, please,” 

She quickly conceded. “Okay, okay,” She saw she had put Yaz through enough today, both Yaz’s for that matter. 

She took another long sip of tea. Yaz placed a hand over hers. Then she finally talked about it all. She told Yaz of Gallifrey, her home, growing up. It was all a big story that turned into a tragedy. The Doctor delved into her friendship-turned-animosity with the Master. She talked about losing Gallifrey, due to her own actions, an impossible choice. The destruction that came out of it… being the last of her peoples. Then she eventually told Yaz about her and Clara fixing it with some other versions of herself, the other Doctors. Then how it’s all been ruined again by the Master. She talked of the hopelessness she has felt about the whole situation. The Doctor even revealed that she had been revisiting the destruction of her home. She made it hurt like the first time over and over again, with each visit, she felt more incapable of doing anything to fix it. 

Yaz just sat and listened, her own feelings getting involved in the situation. Her heart broke for the blonde. She felt so much for the Doctor, everything started to make sense and she finally started to see the Doctor becoming less tortured with every word. 

The Doctor really needed this. There was something therapeutic about actually talking about everything. The Doctor was actually starting to feel a little bit better, even considering the situation, even considering everything she had learned today. It didn’t make it all better, nothing could do that, but she could try working through the pain like this. Even if Yaz couldn’t understand the weight of everything, Yaz would be there and sometimes that’s all you can ask. She didn’t need anyone to do anything, she just needed someone to listen and to talk about it at all with.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated!


End file.
